mixture of my mind
ano daw?
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::my past life diagnosis::
You were female in your last earthly incarnation. You were born somewhere in the territory of modern Sumatra around the year 1675. Your profession was that of a seaman, cook or carpenter. Your brief psychological profile in your past life:As a natural talent in psychology, you knew how to use your opportunities. Cold-blooded and calm in any situation.The lesson that your last past life brought to your present incarnation:The timid, lonely and self-confident people are everywhere, and your task is to overcome these tendencies in yourself and then to help other people.
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Tuesday, December 30, 2003
well, another year, huh.
at least just not another so so whatever kinda' year it was.
and oh, it's indescribable. it'd probably take another year to find the words.
and so, i'll start to write all the details to make it easier.
Tuesday, December 30, 2003
Tuesday, July 08, 2003
i miss you
but i haven't met you yet
i remember
but it hasn't happened yet
i'm so impatient
i can't stand the wait
when will i get my cuddle?
who are you?
i know by now that you'll arrive
by the time i stop waiting!
i miss you.
Tuesday, July 08, 2003
Friday, July 04, 2003
in the quietness of my surrounding,
and tranquility of my solitude,
you come to me.
i dream of myself without a body,
just soul
floating away like the free spirit almost touching the ground,
touching you.
imagine how i could touch you
without touching me,
i selflessly give my whole being,
but by condition: give yours, too!
how do you decipher
the depths of my infinite mind?
you see through me,
i am not transparent.
yet you rummage from end to end
my deepest desires
i haven't even imagined.
you come to me,
you're uninvited.
nonetheless, you can join me live
6 feet under this misery
and relieve my anxious mind
of the trepidation.
a fear that lasted a lifetime.
come to me
and take my heart.
take my lucid heart...
Friday, July 04, 2003
Thursday, July 03, 2003
i'm not sure where my new life is gonna lead me..
i'm sort of dazed actually.
"just believe and live you be.
it is like love.
you don't know where it will take you.
but you know you are happy and you are willing."
i just wish it were that easy.
i should've not been broken in the first place.
but i was, even before i got to realize i had the power to resist.
i'm trying.
i wish i'd known love that way.
Thursday, July 03, 2003
Tuesday, July 01, 2003
You come from the Ocean. You've always been drawn
to the sea, the sound of the waves, the crystal
blue water, near the sea is where you belong.
Where Did Your Soul Originate?
brought to you by Quizilla
Tuesday, July 01, 2003
You have the Power of Flight!
What's Your Magic Power?
brought to you by Quizilla
Tuesday, July 01, 2003
borderline
Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla
Tuesday, July 01, 2003
Monday, June 30, 2003
as soon as it crosses my mind
it can never cross back.
what passes, passes
and what hasn't won't.
but the shore can always be smooth,
smooth again because of the sea;
like my wound can mend,
because of you...
Monday, June 30, 2003
Saturday, June 14, 2003
none
Saturday, June 14, 2003
Friday, June 13, 2003
now, i'd been wanting to write in this kind of smell.
this afternoon had a very familiar aroma. it's akin to every morning as i went to primary and high school, specifically at this time of the month. it smells like the scent of rain (only dry) that brings that light feeling, almost exactly the same mood when i was younger, only this time, i long to go back to the moment that i had to go to school and feel the intensity of being nervous everytime, anticipating to see my classmates (or some), waiting to be called by the teacher for recitation, or simply look outside the shutters on an ongoing lecture and let the breeze touch my face. everytime i feel it, i experience being that timid student i brought with me until i had enough confidence to be more of myself, as what everybody is supposed to be.
at least once a month, i come across this zephyr. the gust that constantly reminds me of who i was, what i've done, what have happened, how or why they happened, and what they made me become. it's similar to the feeling of waking up in the morning, nowadays at night, and i feel the same feeling i had when i woke up the previous day; and the day before that, and before that. the difference is, this kind of draft stretches my memory as far as the time when i was oblivious and naive, gullible to things that hurt me so easily; that extends to that moment when i thought i can do something to please everyone who knows me; as early as the days i thought were the most challenging and tricky of all times.
this kind of afternoon reminds me of my eccentricity, my uniqueness that can hardly be found paired with anyone else's. this kind of afternoon reminds me again that i'm alone.
Friday, June 13, 2003
hello puta,
right now it's quarter-to-four in the morning, and i had to find time to write to you. in a coupla hours i'll be on my way to the office for marv's amazing race, to roam manila and win 10 grand. if not, i'll be disappointed.
i heard you've been quite busy there and seldom, if not not having been hanging out. how you doin there? jedda and i were talking and wondering how other places could be like, like panama, and everywhere else. and then we wanted to be travelers.
i don't exactly know how else to say hello. i just hope you're doing great, i'm quite sure you are, coz you're good at that, among many other things.
just maybe for the first time wanted to have the chance to say that i'm thankful you came along while i was getting by my boring life, not like it used to be. right when you left for panama, everything seemed so quiet for me, a bad quiet. didn't feel like dancing, nor even going to BED for a party. so i just went ahead and slept with someone. hehe. now i plan to be back to my core-introverted self.
okay, hope you can find time to tell me how you are, and i'll tell you more.
miss you erik.
in friendship and in everything else,
KEVIN
Friday, June 13, 2003
Wednesday, June 04, 2003
as soon as he felt conscious he opened his eyes. motionlessly with half of his face drowned into the pillow and from the right portion of his neck down to his front body warmed by the coolness of the bed, his eyes remained focused on the first thing he looked at. he was staring at the space between, but not in the middle of his eyes and the ridge of the window, but somewhere closer to the edge of the casement.
contrary to his immobile condition, his head's been turning like a whirlwind, recalling everything that's happened the previous night, or for his matter, until before he slept this morning. it's like what one sees in the movies, you're silent and alone in your room but when flashback is shown, it's an insurrection.
for a full 10 minutes he stayed in the same position til he realized he wanted to know what time it was. still lying on his stomach, he rotated his head to where his alarm clock was located, on the headboard approximately two hands away from his face. it was noon. despite being so drunk and wasted (and screwed), he'd only afforded to be tranquil for less than 5 hours, perhaps because it's time for him to realize how things have been going the past few days, or his life again so far, which might be too late if he woke up later than noon.
***
he was expecting to meet who seemed to him was almost the right person he met and made out with on the ledge at a new bar while getting drunk a week ago, then again still wrong one. they'd exchanged dials and had unpitiful conversations during the week, and he thought robbie is not that common. nearly accurately the person he's been looking for: same age at least, makes acceptable sense, charming, humorous, and hesitant. nonetheless, he childishly wanted revenge as if he'd inflict it on the one who didn't show up.
"One Brian, please", he told the barman. All drinks in the bar were named after the characters in the series queer as folk, and he's asking for probably the glass of vodka red bull that would push him to the limit and make him ask the guy beside him to go to bed with him. he would not let the night without settling the scores.
"what's that?", pointing to the guy's drink, trying to start a conversation. it's definitely vodka tonic too but he didn't hear what was mixed with it. the whole point was that the pick-up line was thrown and everything else takes off from there. "my name's jared, what's yours?", he asked the victim, or perhaps the predator whom he thought was a perfect prospect to make love with. "walter", came the answer.
After 5 minutes, they were both headed to the motel in a cab, jared leaving his buddy with whom he usually goes out. The signal to leave the bar was when walter told him he wanted to fuck.
As soon as they arrived at the room, there was no conversation. Both took a little shower separately and started taking off their clothes independently, replacing everything with just towels and lied down on the bed. After some brief kissing and cuddling, jared took out the condom and put it on walter's pecker. he probably didn't know he was gonna do something he has not been liking to do with somebody, or was just caught with no choice as what always happens whenever he's put in this kind of situation. choices are no more choices when you act swiftly. dumbly.
the feel of the first pump was splendid. god, he never had it since secondary school, and now he wants it so bad. as walter tried to thrust harder and faster into him, it started to hurt like hell. he can feel walter's shaft slide so deeply into his body, like a huge rod made of rubber sucking into his intestines, and it was almost unbearable. but the activity was bringing a mixed sensation, like when you're in love. makes you touch the heavens but the earth's gravity pulls you down, thus yields a uniquely heavy feeling you only can undergo when on a stage before a romantic relationship. so then he liked it, and then hated it. but it went on until both came.
they rode a private cab together on the way out and dropped walter off nearest his place, kissing jared before getting out of the car.
as soon as he was alone, he sent a text message to his friend, demo, that read: TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF MY LIFE.
then, to robbie: LET'S STOP CONTACT. I'M NOT FOR ANYBODY.
this is, again, a new day.
Wednesday, June 04, 2003
Saturday, January 25, 2003
ganun nga siguro kaibigan. naipahayag mo pa yata nang mas mabuti sa tagalog ang katotohanang alam na nang halos lahat. nasisiguro kong marami-raming kritiko ang babatikos o malamang sumang-ayon sa lahat ng mga ito. dahil madali lang maranasan ng mga taong naghahanap ng pag-ibig, o kaya sa tingin nila'y kaya nang magbigay. at malamang naranasan na nila ito...gaya ko.
isama mo na rin itong tanong ko: anuba talaga meron itong henerasyon natin at parang kahit gaano ang ilaki ng populasyon, para pa ngang lalung pahirap nang pahirap maghanap ng katunayan na marunong ka magmahal? parang kasabay ng pagdami ng tao ang pagdami ng mga nag-iisa AT nalulungkot (at wag ka! karamihan dito'y ang mga taong sa tingin nila ay punung puno sila ng pag-ibig na di mo maintindihan kung kaninung ponsyo pilato ibibigay). Bakit parang noong panahon nila inang at ni ama, nila mommy't daddy, MEDYO mas maayos pa. medyo mas madaling pumili ng kasama. dahil ba medyo mas konti ang pagpipilian at di mo na kailangan pang mahilo sa dami ng pagpipilian? dahil ba NAGKASYA na lang sila sa kung anong makukuha nila sa mga asawa nila? pero mag-asawa pa rin sila! magkasama pa rin sila. masaya pa rin! at oo...nag a-I LOVE you pa rin sa isa't isa. bakit ngayong mga edad natin na dapat eh sa kabi-kabila na ang inaasahan kong magpapakasal, parang dalawa pa lang yata ang nag-iimbita? epekto ba yun ng ekonomiya, o sadyang di lang talaga makakita ng kapareha?
ang naiisip ko kasi, at naiisip ko lang: bakit nga ba hindi tayo matuwa sa kung anumang meron tayo? siguro lang, mas marami nang expectations dahil mas matatalino na ang mga tao ngayon. siguro dahil nag-iba na rin ang mga pananaw sa pag-ibig. o sa kahit na anong bagay. siguro nga rin dahil sa kahirapan ng buhay, medyo nagkakataong hindi pare-pareho ng prioridad. o siguro sadyang kamalasan lang talaga? o wag mo ko kuwestiyunin dahil hindi ko rin maipagtatanggol ito. siguro lang.
nakakatawa nga siguro kung iisipin mo lang...kung padadaanin mo lang sa utak mo na parang hangin ang mga nangyari na at mga nangyayari pa. pero hindi na masyadong nakakatawa. minsan, pag-iisipan mo talaga, no? huwag nga lang sa lahat ng panahon. minsan mare-realize mo, sayang sa panahon. dami mo namang pwedeng magawa at matutunan at maintindihan pa habang naghihintay..
kool ka lang SDBF. darating din yan.
balikan mo ko. =)
hehe
Saturday, January 25, 2003
Ang Puno't Dulo ng Pag-ibig
Nakakatawa talaga ang love. Isa siyang napakalaking oxymoron! Lahat ng pwede mong masabi sa kanya, baliktarin mo at totoo pa rin. Ang labo diba? Pero ang linaw. Masaya magmahal. Malungkot magmahal. Di mo naiintindihan pero naiintindihan mo. Walang rason. Maraming rason. Di mo na kaya, pero kaya mo pa rin. Masakit magmahal. Pero okey lang. Leche, ano ba talaga?! May kaibigan ako, sabi niya dati "Love is only for stupid people." Nakakatawa kasi laude ang standing niya, pero dumating ang panahon, na-in-love din ang hunghang. At ayun, tanga na siya ngayon. Lahat kasi ng nahahawakan ng love nagiging oxymoron din. O kaya paminsan, nagiging moron lang. Hindi lang kasi basta baliktaran ang pag-ibig. Lahat ng bagay nababaligtad din niya. Lahat ng malalakas na tao, humihina. Ang mayayabang, nagpapakumbaba. Ang mga walang pakialam, nagiging Mother Teresa. Ang mga henyo, nauubusan ng sagot. Ang malulungkot, sumasaya. Ang matitigas, lumalambot. Nakakatawa talaga. Na nakakaiyak. Lalo na kapag dumadating siya sa mga taong ayaw na talaga magmahal. Napansin ko nga eh. Parang kung gusto mo lang ma-in-love ulit, sabihin mo lang ang magic words na "Ayoko na ma-inlove!" biglang WACHA! Ayan na siya. Nang-aasar. Magpapaasar ka naman. Di ba nakakatawa rin na pagdating sa problema ng ibang tao, ang galing galing mo? Pero 'pag problema mo na yung pinag-uusapan parang nawawalan ng saysay lahat ng ipinayo mo dun sa namomroblemang tao? Naiisip mong wala namang mali dun sa mga sinabi mo. Pero bakit parang wala ring tama? Bali-baliktad din ang nasasabi ng mga taong tinamaan ng madugong pana ng pag-ibig. "Ngayon ko lang nalaman ganito pala. Sabi ko na eh!" "Ang sarap mabuhay. Pwede na 'ko mamatay. Now na!" At hindi lang 'yon. Ang sarap din pagtawanan ng mga taong alam naman nilang masasaktan lang sila eh magpapatihulog pa rin sa bangin ng pag-ibig. Tapos 'pag luray-luray na yung puso nila, siyempre hindi sila yung may kasalanan. Siya! "Bakit niya 'ko sinaktan??" May kasama pang pagsuntok sa pader yon, at pagbabagsak ng pinto. Hayop talaga. Mauubos ang buong magdamag ko kakasabi ng mga bagay na nakakatawa 'pag pag-ibig na ang pinag-usapan. Ang daming beses ko na kasi siya nakasalubong kaya masasabi ko nang eksperto na'ko. Pero wala pa rin akong alam. Pero ang pinakanakakatawa sa lahat ay ang katotohanang kapag gusto magpatawa ng pag-ibig, ipusta na mo na lahat ng ari-arian mo dahil siguradong ikaw ang punchline. Nakakatawa no? Na nakakaiyak. Hayy
SDBF
Saturday, January 25, 2003
Thursday, January 23, 2003
Before I could even dispute or simply acknowledge this fact, I am presenting myself to another chapter. If's too soon to do this, but I'll grab the opportunity to speak for myself. For that matter, I represent myself. I would like to reiterate the importance of simplicity for the main reason that IT IS how it should be. No big words, no profundity, no idealisms.
I would like to find what I'm looking for. So I'm starting the search. I would like you to be my friend through this.
Thursday, January 23, 2003
Sunday, January 19, 2003
Today was just so full of you again. You didn't have lunch as i didn't intend to, too, so we went to have coffee instead. I became too confident that CHANGE has overcome every fear that i could feel for you, and there we go.
Toward the shop, the afternoon wind just blew on my face like it wanted to slap it and scream that i've to get it over and done with you. But I just managed to appreciate what was there, trying to ignore the warning like a brat to his mom.
So then we sat down and maybe tried to enjoy the moment. You tell me you're shooting a vtr on Monday for an advertisement, and if you get it, you'll be sent to Indonesia. I said ,"Great!". Great. It started when you shot for an ad that will be shown only in Europe, but I asked you to show it to me as soon as you get your copy. Good for you. It has been one of your longest goals to be into that kinda stuff. Then you tell me you just feel sorry about your built, coz you're skinny, so ramp modelling is totally out of the question for you. If also it weren't for your height.
For me, though, you're perfect. Just perfect. Perhaps too perfect. And no i don't hate myself for feeling that way.
In a matter of over a year, i have gone through difficult, complex, questionable, totally absurd and high-schoolish phases about you. First I didn't like you. Then i eventually did. Then I kept on liking you, amidst all who do. I believed I was closest at least because we've been team mates from the beginning, and I want to think that you give me details on things you confide with me. Just me (that makes me say I know you). Then for a while we've been apart. I lost you in my mind, but only until I see you again. It happens everytime. What was worse was our old team still get together once in a while, and I joke that you're my date, since you don't have anybody, and I don't too. Everybody else has. You buy it.
It's probably hard for you (although maybe you don't know), to find a partner to understand you (the way I do), because you're absolutely mysterious. Unique. A riddle. Or maybe just in my mind you are. Then, we were both transferred to the same program. Not in the same group nor shift, thank God. Then came "Paradise". You're in my team. And since then the last phases of what I feel for you. I took it so hard on myself until I realized I loved you.
I love you.
Then it hurt. Then I felt free. Then hurt again. Sometimes I felt both at the same time. So I told you. I couldn't have guessed any better. You did not reply. You made it clear (or did you) that you only liked me for a friend. That should've been clear enough. I get some of your Taurian traits and became stubborn.
I'm not like this.
I usually just need to say it and then let go. I can't let go. It's pretty clear right now that it's your mere presence that makes it all so unstable for me. If only you hadn't said that sometimes you like people like me too. Then lunchbreak is almost finally over. We start walking back to the office.
And there's the wind, now trying to embrace and comfort me as it brushes through my wholeness. To envelope me with all the strength it has.
To shield me from your power.
Sunday, January 19, 2003
Friday, January 17, 2003
At several points in time, I'd thought that life was just gonna be like that. Things had become so boring, and surprises never seemed surprising anymore. The dullness of the new people I meet gave a big deal for me to decide that the world is not getting anymore than extra flesh. No more. No less. Every thing that happens must have occured sometime previously, probably a week, month, or years earlier. Perhaps just a couple of days ago. That made my now idle mind idle. Sometimes I found myself blaming whatever it was that made me go through all the excitement, the wonders, the thrill, the hurts, aches and freaking pains, almost the wildest adventures, regrets, childhood, love, and relationships I've had -- all in one itsy bitsy part of my life, like almost hitting me in a day, now knowing I wasn't going to die yet. Moments could pass me by dying to decipher what could've been, what should be, what if's, and maybe if I's. I amiss supposed, i guess too many times, that this world I've known was the only world I could be in. I had no idea there were options.
No, there wasn't any mind-boggling problems solved, nor any house-topsy-turvy-like earthquake that cracked in and shook my head to suddenly hit a curve and turn my beliefs upside down about all "misconceptions" my own mind had been instructing me (or my life for that matter). It just took another of those moments of endless thinking how to find my way out of this monotonous existence, to realize that at anytime, anywhere, and anyhow, something could start. Thoughts, I mean.
Friday, January 17, 2003
Sunday, January 05, 2003
it could be the lack of sleep i had last night
it could be how i'm doing at work today
it could've been the stars that kept me engrossed the whole time
it could be the presentation i'd do in a coupla days
it could be the breeze that wiped all miseries while i walked
or just the people i wouldn't care less for
it must've been the food i didn't feel like taking in much
but just had to, to fill in the short hunger
it could be all the plans that have just been nothing but plans
it could be the lack of smoke as i die to quit..
but no...as i try little by little not to fool myself...
it was you. it's all been you.
only YOU could do this to me.
when will this karma be over
Sunday, January 05, 2003
Saturday, January 04, 2003
of all the dark worlds i wanna be in
it's yours i choose
i've been dying to get inside
why wouldn't you let me...
so i'd figure if it's a wasted chance
or, if at all, worthy of wonder.
don't you want any light?
Saturday, January 04, 2003
Friday, January 03, 2003
could two people in the whole world who don't know each other possibly think about the same stuff at the same time and never realize there's the other soul who was thinking about it at the same time he is? like, is anybody else thinking about this now?
Friday, January 03, 2003
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