mixture of my mind
ano daw?
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::my past life diagnosis::
You were female in your last earthly incarnation. You were born somewhere in the territory of modern Sumatra around the year 1675. Your profession was that of a seaman, cook or carpenter. Your brief psychological profile in your past life:As a natural talent in psychology, you knew how to use your opportunities. Cold-blooded and calm in any situation.The lesson that your last past life brought to your present incarnation:The timid, lonely and self-confident people are everywhere, and your task is to overcome these tendencies in yourself and then to help other people.
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Sunday, January 19, 2003
Today was just so full of you again. You didn't have lunch as i didn't intend to, too, so we went to have coffee instead. I became too confident that CHANGE has overcome every fear that i could feel for you, and there we go.
Toward the shop, the afternoon wind just blew on my face like it wanted to slap it and scream that i've to get it over and done with you. But I just managed to appreciate what was there, trying to ignore the warning like a brat to his mom.
So then we sat down and maybe tried to enjoy the moment. You tell me you're shooting a vtr on Monday for an advertisement, and if you get it, you'll be sent to Indonesia. I said ,"Great!". Great. It started when you shot for an ad that will be shown only in Europe, but I asked you to show it to me as soon as you get your copy. Good for you. It has been one of your longest goals to be into that kinda stuff. Then you tell me you just feel sorry about your built, coz you're skinny, so ramp modelling is totally out of the question for you. If also it weren't for your height.
For me, though, you're perfect. Just perfect. Perhaps too perfect. And no i don't hate myself for feeling that way.
In a matter of over a year, i have gone through difficult, complex, questionable, totally absurd and high-schoolish phases about you. First I didn't like you. Then i eventually did. Then I kept on liking you, amidst all who do. I believed I was closest at least because we've been team mates from the beginning, and I want to think that you give me details on things you confide with me. Just me (that makes me say I know you). Then for a while we've been apart. I lost you in my mind, but only until I see you again. It happens everytime. What was worse was our old team still get together once in a while, and I joke that you're my date, since you don't have anybody, and I don't too. Everybody else has. You buy it.
It's probably hard for you (although maybe you don't know), to find a partner to understand you (the way I do), because you're absolutely mysterious. Unique. A riddle. Or maybe just in my mind you are. Then, we were both transferred to the same program. Not in the same group nor shift, thank God. Then came "Paradise". You're in my team. And since then the last phases of what I feel for you. I took it so hard on myself until I realized I loved you.
I love you.
Then it hurt. Then I felt free. Then hurt again. Sometimes I felt both at the same time. So I told you. I couldn't have guessed any better. You did not reply. You made it clear (or did you) that you only liked me for a friend. That should've been clear enough. I get some of your Taurian traits and became stubborn.
I'm not like this.
I usually just need to say it and then let go. I can't let go. It's pretty clear right now that it's your mere presence that makes it all so unstable for me. If only you hadn't said that sometimes you like people like me too. Then lunchbreak is almost finally over. We start walking back to the office.
And there's the wind, now trying to embrace and comfort me as it brushes through my wholeness. To envelope me with all the strength it has.
To shield me from your power.
Sunday, January 19, 2003
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