mixture of my mind
ano daw?
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::my past life diagnosis::
You were female in your last earthly incarnation. You were born somewhere in the territory of modern Sumatra around the year 1675. Your profession was that of a seaman, cook or carpenter. Your brief psychological profile in your past life:As a natural talent in psychology, you knew how to use your opportunities. Cold-blooded and calm in any situation.The lesson that your last past life brought to your present incarnation:The timid, lonely and self-confident people are everywhere, and your task is to overcome these tendencies in yourself and then to help other people.
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Saturday, January 25, 2003
ganun nga siguro kaibigan. naipahayag mo pa yata nang mas mabuti sa tagalog ang katotohanang alam na nang halos lahat. nasisiguro kong marami-raming kritiko ang babatikos o malamang sumang-ayon sa lahat ng mga ito. dahil madali lang maranasan ng mga taong naghahanap ng pag-ibig, o kaya sa tingin nila'y kaya nang magbigay. at malamang naranasan na nila ito...gaya ko.
isama mo na rin itong tanong ko: anuba talaga meron itong henerasyon natin at parang kahit gaano ang ilaki ng populasyon, para pa ngang lalung pahirap nang pahirap maghanap ng katunayan na marunong ka magmahal? parang kasabay ng pagdami ng tao ang pagdami ng mga nag-iisa AT nalulungkot (at wag ka! karamihan dito'y ang mga taong sa tingin nila ay punung puno sila ng pag-ibig na di mo maintindihan kung kaninung ponsyo pilato ibibigay). Bakit parang noong panahon nila inang at ni ama, nila mommy't daddy, MEDYO mas maayos pa. medyo mas madaling pumili ng kasama. dahil ba medyo mas konti ang pagpipilian at di mo na kailangan pang mahilo sa dami ng pagpipilian? dahil ba NAGKASYA na lang sila sa kung anong makukuha nila sa mga asawa nila? pero mag-asawa pa rin sila! magkasama pa rin sila. masaya pa rin! at oo...nag a-I LOVE you pa rin sa isa't isa. bakit ngayong mga edad natin na dapat eh sa kabi-kabila na ang inaasahan kong magpapakasal, parang dalawa pa lang yata ang nag-iimbita? epekto ba yun ng ekonomiya, o sadyang di lang talaga makakita ng kapareha?
ang naiisip ko kasi, at naiisip ko lang: bakit nga ba hindi tayo matuwa sa kung anumang meron tayo? siguro lang, mas marami nang expectations dahil mas matatalino na ang mga tao ngayon. siguro dahil nag-iba na rin ang mga pananaw sa pag-ibig. o sa kahit na anong bagay. siguro nga rin dahil sa kahirapan ng buhay, medyo nagkakataong hindi pare-pareho ng prioridad. o siguro sadyang kamalasan lang talaga? o wag mo ko kuwestiyunin dahil hindi ko rin maipagtatanggol ito. siguro lang.
nakakatawa nga siguro kung iisipin mo lang...kung padadaanin mo lang sa utak mo na parang hangin ang mga nangyari na at mga nangyayari pa. pero hindi na masyadong nakakatawa. minsan, pag-iisipan mo talaga, no? huwag nga lang sa lahat ng panahon. minsan mare-realize mo, sayang sa panahon. dami mo namang pwedeng magawa at matutunan at maintindihan pa habang naghihintay..
kool ka lang SDBF. darating din yan.
balikan mo ko. =)
hehe
Saturday, January 25, 2003
Ang Puno't Dulo ng Pag-ibig
Nakakatawa talaga ang love. Isa siyang napakalaking oxymoron! Lahat ng pwede mong masabi sa kanya, baliktarin mo at totoo pa rin. Ang labo diba? Pero ang linaw. Masaya magmahal. Malungkot magmahal. Di mo naiintindihan pero naiintindihan mo. Walang rason. Maraming rason. Di mo na kaya, pero kaya mo pa rin. Masakit magmahal. Pero okey lang. Leche, ano ba talaga?! May kaibigan ako, sabi niya dati "Love is only for stupid people." Nakakatawa kasi laude ang standing niya, pero dumating ang panahon, na-in-love din ang hunghang. At ayun, tanga na siya ngayon. Lahat kasi ng nahahawakan ng love nagiging oxymoron din. O kaya paminsan, nagiging moron lang. Hindi lang kasi basta baliktaran ang pag-ibig. Lahat ng bagay nababaligtad din niya. Lahat ng malalakas na tao, humihina. Ang mayayabang, nagpapakumbaba. Ang mga walang pakialam, nagiging Mother Teresa. Ang mga henyo, nauubusan ng sagot. Ang malulungkot, sumasaya. Ang matitigas, lumalambot. Nakakatawa talaga. Na nakakaiyak. Lalo na kapag dumadating siya sa mga taong ayaw na talaga magmahal. Napansin ko nga eh. Parang kung gusto mo lang ma-in-love ulit, sabihin mo lang ang magic words na "Ayoko na ma-inlove!" biglang WACHA! Ayan na siya. Nang-aasar. Magpapaasar ka naman. Di ba nakakatawa rin na pagdating sa problema ng ibang tao, ang galing galing mo? Pero 'pag problema mo na yung pinag-uusapan parang nawawalan ng saysay lahat ng ipinayo mo dun sa namomroblemang tao? Naiisip mong wala namang mali dun sa mga sinabi mo. Pero bakit parang wala ring tama? Bali-baliktad din ang nasasabi ng mga taong tinamaan ng madugong pana ng pag-ibig. "Ngayon ko lang nalaman ganito pala. Sabi ko na eh!" "Ang sarap mabuhay. Pwede na 'ko mamatay. Now na!" At hindi lang 'yon. Ang sarap din pagtawanan ng mga taong alam naman nilang masasaktan lang sila eh magpapatihulog pa rin sa bangin ng pag-ibig. Tapos 'pag luray-luray na yung puso nila, siyempre hindi sila yung may kasalanan. Siya! "Bakit niya 'ko sinaktan??" May kasama pang pagsuntok sa pader yon, at pagbabagsak ng pinto. Hayop talaga. Mauubos ang buong magdamag ko kakasabi ng mga bagay na nakakatawa 'pag pag-ibig na ang pinag-usapan. Ang daming beses ko na kasi siya nakasalubong kaya masasabi ko nang eksperto na'ko. Pero wala pa rin akong alam. Pero ang pinakanakakatawa sa lahat ay ang katotohanang kapag gusto magpatawa ng pag-ibig, ipusta na mo na lahat ng ari-arian mo dahil siguradong ikaw ang punchline. Nakakatawa no? Na nakakaiyak. Hayy
SDBF
Saturday, January 25, 2003
Thursday, January 23, 2003
Before I could even dispute or simply acknowledge this fact, I am presenting myself to another chapter. If's too soon to do this, but I'll grab the opportunity to speak for myself. For that matter, I represent myself. I would like to reiterate the importance of simplicity for the main reason that IT IS how it should be. No big words, no profundity, no idealisms.
I would like to find what I'm looking for. So I'm starting the search. I would like you to be my friend through this.
Thursday, January 23, 2003
Sunday, January 19, 2003
Today was just so full of you again. You didn't have lunch as i didn't intend to, too, so we went to have coffee instead. I became too confident that CHANGE has overcome every fear that i could feel for you, and there we go.
Toward the shop, the afternoon wind just blew on my face like it wanted to slap it and scream that i've to get it over and done with you. But I just managed to appreciate what was there, trying to ignore the warning like a brat to his mom.
So then we sat down and maybe tried to enjoy the moment. You tell me you're shooting a vtr on Monday for an advertisement, and if you get it, you'll be sent to Indonesia. I said ,"Great!". Great. It started when you shot for an ad that will be shown only in Europe, but I asked you to show it to me as soon as you get your copy. Good for you. It has been one of your longest goals to be into that kinda stuff. Then you tell me you just feel sorry about your built, coz you're skinny, so ramp modelling is totally out of the question for you. If also it weren't for your height.
For me, though, you're perfect. Just perfect. Perhaps too perfect. And no i don't hate myself for feeling that way.
In a matter of over a year, i have gone through difficult, complex, questionable, totally absurd and high-schoolish phases about you. First I didn't like you. Then i eventually did. Then I kept on liking you, amidst all who do. I believed I was closest at least because we've been team mates from the beginning, and I want to think that you give me details on things you confide with me. Just me (that makes me say I know you). Then for a while we've been apart. I lost you in my mind, but only until I see you again. It happens everytime. What was worse was our old team still get together once in a while, and I joke that you're my date, since you don't have anybody, and I don't too. Everybody else has. You buy it.
It's probably hard for you (although maybe you don't know), to find a partner to understand you (the way I do), because you're absolutely mysterious. Unique. A riddle. Or maybe just in my mind you are. Then, we were both transferred to the same program. Not in the same group nor shift, thank God. Then came "Paradise". You're in my team. And since then the last phases of what I feel for you. I took it so hard on myself until I realized I loved you.
I love you.
Then it hurt. Then I felt free. Then hurt again. Sometimes I felt both at the same time. So I told you. I couldn't have guessed any better. You did not reply. You made it clear (or did you) that you only liked me for a friend. That should've been clear enough. I get some of your Taurian traits and became stubborn.
I'm not like this.
I usually just need to say it and then let go. I can't let go. It's pretty clear right now that it's your mere presence that makes it all so unstable for me. If only you hadn't said that sometimes you like people like me too. Then lunchbreak is almost finally over. We start walking back to the office.
And there's the wind, now trying to embrace and comfort me as it brushes through my wholeness. To envelope me with all the strength it has.
To shield me from your power.
Sunday, January 19, 2003
Friday, January 17, 2003
At several points in time, I'd thought that life was just gonna be like that. Things had become so boring, and surprises never seemed surprising anymore. The dullness of the new people I meet gave a big deal for me to decide that the world is not getting anymore than extra flesh. No more. No less. Every thing that happens must have occured sometime previously, probably a week, month, or years earlier. Perhaps just a couple of days ago. That made my now idle mind idle. Sometimes I found myself blaming whatever it was that made me go through all the excitement, the wonders, the thrill, the hurts, aches and freaking pains, almost the wildest adventures, regrets, childhood, love, and relationships I've had -- all in one itsy bitsy part of my life, like almost hitting me in a day, now knowing I wasn't going to die yet. Moments could pass me by dying to decipher what could've been, what should be, what if's, and maybe if I's. I amiss supposed, i guess too many times, that this world I've known was the only world I could be in. I had no idea there were options.
No, there wasn't any mind-boggling problems solved, nor any house-topsy-turvy-like earthquake that cracked in and shook my head to suddenly hit a curve and turn my beliefs upside down about all "misconceptions" my own mind had been instructing me (or my life for that matter). It just took another of those moments of endless thinking how to find my way out of this monotonous existence, to realize that at anytime, anywhere, and anyhow, something could start. Thoughts, I mean.
Friday, January 17, 2003
Sunday, January 05, 2003
it could be the lack of sleep i had last night
it could be how i'm doing at work today
it could've been the stars that kept me engrossed the whole time
it could be the presentation i'd do in a coupla days
it could be the breeze that wiped all miseries while i walked
or just the people i wouldn't care less for
it must've been the food i didn't feel like taking in much
but just had to, to fill in the short hunger
it could be all the plans that have just been nothing but plans
it could be the lack of smoke as i die to quit..
but no...as i try little by little not to fool myself...
it was you. it's all been you.
only YOU could do this to me.
when will this karma be over
Sunday, January 05, 2003
Saturday, January 04, 2003
of all the dark worlds i wanna be in
it's yours i choose
i've been dying to get inside
why wouldn't you let me...
so i'd figure if it's a wasted chance
or, if at all, worthy of wonder.
don't you want any light?
Saturday, January 04, 2003
Friday, January 03, 2003
could two people in the whole world who don't know each other possibly think about the same stuff at the same time and never realize there's the other soul who was thinking about it at the same time he is? like, is anybody else thinking about this now?
Friday, January 03, 2003
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