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Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

Saturday, July 03, 2004

Saturday, June 12, 2004  
funny completely to something look back on memory that your refreshes.

what happens when you realize you have to be realistic and let go of things you want to believe in so strongly, and start to practice being realistic and let go of things that would make you suffer, without knowing in the end how it would be...and what's the end of it all? when is the end, the end? How long is waiting supposed to take?

You find yourself comfortable and happy, and maybe, in love with someone, while somebody else has become your sudden hang-up who by the way is messing up the whole thing.

No matter how decided you feel you are to work out this thing you've put yourself again into, all you just have to do is stop all the thinking and just keep yourself busy with things that would make you more productive and happier.


Saturday, June 12, 2004

Sunday, May 30, 2004  
funny completely to something look back on memory that your refreshes.

and then i met jay. another j. it's kinda funny to think that you can only do so much.. yah you can try harder, but what's it's worth really? sometimes it's indeed a matter of right timing, not about the right person. nah. never.

now i feel so involved with jay's family, and i haven't gone home from baguio. sometimes, you would like to stop analyzing too much, or at the very least, even try to analyze at all.

Jay's nice. At least it seems he has no hangups.. so far. And he looks responsible. has character. And likes, if not yet loves, or has learned to love me. I think of Jom, yes, but should this make me feel guilty? I mean, things can be learned, even through "not" hard ways.

How long will this state of mind last, and what will happen with the way things are dealt with nowadays?
Sunday, May 30, 2004

Thursday, May 27, 2004  
funny completely to something look back on memory that your refreshes.

J.S. Jose

You gave me a reason to love again.
You made my life turn back to where it was vulnerable and delicate, and naive, and weak.
You looked at me with the look that says, it's hard, but I should carry on because it's worth another roller-coaster ride and more cliches.
You told me you're in a relationship, and I usually give up on taken and straight people. Yet you're such a challenge. Then, you're not a challenge anymore, but my life.
You cause me fluster and daze in all that I do, until I hear your voice again, and get more flustered and confused.
You want me to look for you, and I start, but still left with the feeling of suspense, not knowing why I should search.
You talk to me for hours and hours that only seem moments to me. I hate the phone. I hate pickin up the phone. I hate talking on the phone. But I love you.
I hate you. I do.
It makes me love you.

You start to ruin my plans, my focus, my center. You were not my center. I had no center. You aren't supposed to be my center, because you've been a center somewhere else. A center of someone else. And all I can hope for is that he loses his focus, and you'll see and feel it, and come to me and be my center.
I start searching, and waiting, and hoping. I am hopeful.
I thought I needed you.
Now I know.
I do.
Thursday, May 27, 2004

Wednesday, April 21, 2004  
funny completely to something look back on memory that your refreshes.


"I can't believe I was in Boracay!"

...again. I know I could still be, if I want to.

Cool sand, clear waters you'd want to dip in the whole day and night, bright sun, long walks, adorable dogs to play with (Friday!), beautiful people (because they're interesting), great food, fantastic view, lovely lovely wind, absolutely indescribable dinner under the stars, wonderful friends, funny funny chats, endless laughters, dusk till dawn booze, fascinating conversations, cancelled inhibitions, incomparable tranquility, incredible school of fish you can feed...JUST FEW of the things that'd overwhelm a human being.

There's just about ample breeze that I will never be able to get enough of forever, pretty much like L-O-V-E. Keeps your longing for it, no matter how much more of it you're asking. And... daaamn! Such irony to say that the air takes my breath away, EVERYTIME. Like no other.

I decide to take it with me, since I know that I will miss it and come back for some more. Then I thought, I could bring just a little bit of it along wherever I go.

In realization to all that's been, that are, and will be, there's indeed a point when everything just falls into place, and I suddenly find serenity in my surroundings. Nothing could ever, ever compare to the calmness and stillness and lightness it brings to my personhood. The peacefulness...oh, this can never be stressed enough...the peace just covers up for every hurt, every wound, every pain, and anything that you can imagine you can harm yourself through. CATHARSIS.

Mothers give you life and ARE your life. My mom is my life, and she gave it to me, maybe not EXACTLY THE WAY anyone would've wanted, but surprises are the best things on earth. I love her more than anything. I mean this. And it's not gratitude, but no words can describe how thankful (also a small way to word it) I am. It's just so inscrutable, that I hate it, knowing there are millions and millions more of words than sand in the ocean, and still I can't find the term.

I don't know what's gonna happen next (like anybody does), but in all my efforts to sustain this state of mind and condition, I'll definitely fight and win.

All I'm trying to say perhaps, is that, I'M HAPPY.

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

Friday, April 09, 2004  
funny completely to something look back on memory that your refreshes.

did someone just say my life was interesting, or did i say it to myself? hey dude, or dudette? =) there's no way for me to contact you but if ever you get to read this, please shoot me mail at frakeshab@yahoo.com. And thanks.

Maybe your life is, too.


kevin

Friday, April 09, 2004

 
funny completely to something look back on memory that your refreshes.

and then, one fine day (which is not exactly just ONE day), you decide to give yourself a chance again. Like, when no one is watching, not even yourself, you suddenly say "YES" to something that you haD decided to stay away from, isolate yourself, and dreaded to the max until it came to that point that you thought you'd never have to suffer from again.

This time, though, it didn't feel like zero again, like ooopppS!!!! i did it again shit, without me knowing it and then doubt all the way from when it started until it ends. Honestly that's boring: a typical love story for people who thought they've learned every lesson in the past and are scared to give themselves away all over, for the mentality that this next one might end sooner or later anyway, 'so I have to be careful and wise'. and so it DOES end.

Of course, IT's NOT WRONG. I'm just saying, I want to do it another way. And maybe, it'd turn out better than how it's treated usually.

I want to offer myself with my whole heart (as much as possible) without the inhibitions that I've taken from the past, because this is something new, and nothing could be fairer than having a clean slate and putting faith in all things that are around you, because that is simply what they deserve. They deserve every drop of loyalty and friendship and love you can provide, because. BECAUSE.

So maybe, just maybe, I had been doing too much thinking and analyzing and interpreting things on my own, maybe with others too. But since I want the multiplicity of things and all NEW possibilities i could learn the heck out of my life from, that NOONE COULD NEVER, EVER, EVER even START TO IMAGINE is like...

...bring it on

... 'coz i could never be more ready than an excited sky diver that just leaped off the deck..


We have to earn silence, then, to work for it: to make it
not an absence but a presence; not emptiness but repletion.
--Pico Iyer, "The Eloquent Sounds of Silence"

Friday, April 09, 2004

Friday, April 02, 2004  
funny completely to something look back on memory that your refreshes.

Imagine yourself sitting where you are, just sitting, and you are here with me. Just stay still. Quiet.

It’s so still.

It’s so tranquil in the parking area beside the mall. It’s 2:30 and there’s no one around. No people; just the two of us. Just us, this vast space, our pack of cigarettes, your leftover mocha frap, the dead mall-building, and of course, the sky.

The moon is the light.

There are occasional shooting stars that would amaze anyone who catches it dart aimlessly into cosmic space until it disappears (seeming like it’s injected to a pillow until you don’t know where it went, and you conclude it just traveled to another dimension through a warp, probably). Three of them amazed us. Just feel the stillness; be conscious of your weight, feel the cool breeze swathe you over and conceal you from the other winds (as much as you don’t like missing any of it).

Stay that way for a short while. Just keep on feeling the wind, the cool draft that envelopes you over and over, like it makes you want to stay that way forever.

And then, imagine your hour is still how the hour goes at its pace. This time though, the hour that you know only applies from the strand of your hair, to the surface of your skin, in your head. Same goes with mine. All else’s hour runs only for a minute, such that they consider a full hour what is only a minute for us. So we stay still, sitting in front of each other while counting our hour, but at the same time counting the hour around us.

It becomes daytime in an instant and the sky transitioned from deep blue to a lighter one to red orange to bright yellow like a force just wiped the colors away until the sun in all its dominance made everything visible. People start rushing like fast-forwarded videos, cars flashing in front of our faces that they almost become rays of light because their hours are short, and ours not. So we stay still.

We stay still until it’s night again for everyone, and we on our next hour.

Friday, April 02, 2004

Thursday, March 11, 2004  
funny completely to something look back on memory that your refreshes.

When I was there in that dark place you're in (and I sure still visit sometimes), my tendencies took me to the darker places, because it's more real, more interesting, more exciting. I'm happy that in my life I had the courage to see more of what's real, because it's why I have more hope. I won't encourage you to search for the light as soon as you wish, because, like love, having it at the most unexpected moment is incomparable bliss. Rather, keep still, nourish the moment of suffering, take a really good, long-lasting taste of putting up with it... and grow.

You don't know what to speak of, not really because what you feel is unspeakable, but because you're not sure who to trust, if trust at all. It's perfectly alright if you decide to keep it to yourself, if there's no one there to understand, and/or help you understand. Sometimes, it's much better to try to comprehend by yourself, and you get to discover yourself much better if you search for the answers on your own. You feel this stage is forever, but somewhere in your heart, something tells you that in a way or two, you'll get through this AFTER ALL. And you will.


Thursday, March 11, 2004

Tuesday, March 02, 2004  
funny completely to something look back on memory that your refreshes.

"Look wise, say nothing and grunt, speech was given to conceal thought."

Pleonasm is nothing. It's more thoughtless than a thought. Words just aren't enough to explain things. Not even a raffish being who babbles to death could express his thoughts, until only God knows when.

Come to think of it, judgment only keeps us from understanding each other. That's hard. How far can our conversations go that our limited time would allow to want to understand first until we do as we THINK we have, before wanting to be understood? Until then, it's best to grunt and conceal thoughts.

Sometimes it's hard to accept that we're understood. But that doesn't change the fact that we were. On the contrary, feeling understood is one of the easiest to accept. Sometimes even, we relieve ourselves of the worry that we aren't understood to avoid the hassles of making them understand. But who wouldn't hope that at least ONE would?
Tuesday, March 02, 2004

Tuesday, February 03, 2004  
funny completely to something look back on memory that your refreshes.

january 30ish. i cried. i cried for helplessness. i cried of anger. of fear. of the sadness. of bitter pains. i wept because i felt sorry that she's sick and asked myself if she's been happy? i cried on my bed. i salted the bath. my face was wet. i cried and cried some more. i cried hard.

i cried... again.

and then i found how easy my life was. how trivial the other problems were supposed to be. how stupidly i felt that i couldn't overcome the little crisis. how i've been selfish with my life and have nobody take it from ME. how happy i'm supposed to be.

i found the things i should do.
Tuesday, February 03, 2004

Thursday, January 29, 2004  
funny completely to something look back on memory that your refreshes.

i just ran through a bit of what i last wrote. i guess i won't have enough time to do what i like to do in this lifetime.

watched k-pax a couple of weeks ago, starring kevin spacey, and kevin (as prot) said that life is but a cycle of everything that you've done in one of your lifetimes, that will keep on repeating. whatever you did will be what you'll be doing over and over...and over..and over. So everything that you do in your life, will be what you will do forever.

i guess 'this' ain't the best storyline i'd ever want to have my life to follow. i easily admit things that i am, and i'm not. i think this is the first time though, that, in everything that i've gone through in my life, i will admit that i'm still weak. and i'm so damn clueless!! and it's not easy. i am getting tired and tired of everything that's been happening in my little stupid cynical life. i've had to know that it was just miniscule fragments in my life that i have been obtusely believing that i have become strong on.. now i'm not even sure if i really am, or simply just being a coward. I was talking about love anyway. and maybe a little of career confidence if i may call it. or not even.

Slowly, ... really slowly...unfortunately slowly... i'm becoming to see more slices that i'm gonna have to take part of to make me call this..life. not necessarily favorable, nor unpleasant. i just feel like it's being too late (i guess this is my too late in every story where someone has to be sorry for not knowing what he should have known before it was late), that i've started to gullibly realize that i'm part of a bigger picture. that i have other things to look at aside from what i see. that i have other concerns to take care of while i've been busy getting bored over the same issues that come past me.

and now that i sort of know.... i hope it's over. no matter how everybody knows it doesn't and never work that way. i hope it's over and done with.
Thursday, January 29, 2004

Wednesday, January 14, 2004  
funny completely to something look back on memory that your refreshes.

i'm walking alone around the mall, and after having watched a film like liveshow, it gets me to look at all the faces that move around me. I wonder what kind of life they have. I want to talk to them randomly and ask if they're okay. I wanna sit down with someone who has some stories to share. I kinda' get to thinking that I wanna know their story. What has been the peak of their lives so far. What do they want to do before they die?

What kind of job has this kind of nature? I guess I wanna be a philanthropist.

Wednesday, January 14, 2004

Saturday, January 03, 2004  
i had this weird dream that i was at war, as a soldier.
and i can't remember all the details, since the dream made me wake up late that caused me to come in late for work. just that there were people who died, all men of course,
and i tried not to get hit by the bombs. Learned some tactics, and also noticed all the guys were cute.
I'm not sure if it were in the same plot, but i think there were scenes of sex (how could it ever be missed).
Yes! sex with Rico Gonzales? from work, and some other guys. THIS WAS A DREAM.
Really strange.

Oh well. it was just so unpredictable amidst all the plans for the year. Hmm.
Saturday, January 03, 2004